My Brother

Anna's Life

My Brother

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This page is about my brother, Cyrus, and how our relationship has changed over the years since he moved out for college, grew up and eventually got married. The first one I wrote for my language arts class in 7th grade right after he left for college. As you will see, it was a very hard time for me. As the years have gone on I've written every year on how I've changed and how his leaving affected my life. Hopefully this will give you a glimpse into a much more personal side of my life.

September 23, 1998

One really big change in my life is that my brother, Cyrus, is leaving for college. During the summer he wasnt at home a lot, but at least I got to see him almost everyday.
He left just last Sunday. Now, when I go home, hes not there. Before, at night, I would listen for his truck to drive up. I dont listen anymore because I know Cyrus isnt coming back. Sometimes at night I would wake-up and Cyrus and I would watch television together.
I wish I could do this whole summer again. I would spend a lot more time with him.
After Cyrus and my parents left on Sunday I was miserable. Everywhere I looked I saw a memory of Cyrus. I cried for almost an hour after he left.
Now every time I go to sleep I look across the hall into his room and I see hes not there, I cry. Ive cried myself to sleep the last two nights, Sunday and Monday, thinking about all the things weve done together.
Cyrus and I have become really good friends over this summer. I miss him so much; it was even hard for me to write this paper without bursting into tears.
The one thing that really upsets me is that Cyrus didnt look very sad about having to go away to college.
I know hes going to miss my parents and I, but hell never admit it to anyone. I love Cyrus and I dont think that I will ever not miss him. I just hope that he loves me too.

April 23, 2000

Ill have to admit I do still miss Cyrus, but not nearly as much as I did when he first moved away. I remember all the emotions inside of me when I saw him drive off, but I didnt really know how to deal with it at the time.
Things have gotten easier; I live in his room now. There are still thousands of memories of Cy in my brain and around the house, but you learn to live with them and how to deal with them. Sometimes when everything gets to be too much I do cry. Theres nothing wrong with showing emotion; it just depends on when and where you are. I dont break into tears at school, even though I almost did when I read that paper from 7th grade for the first time in a year and a half-last week. You have to learn to be big and strong.
Its great to see Cy whenever I can, but the less and less I see him, the easier it is for me to say goodbye. Im not saying that I dont like it when he visits, its just that were going our separate ways. Well always be friends; I know that for sure. Nothing is going to tear us apart. Our bond is too strong for anything to get in our way.

April 27, 2001

With all the changes Ive gone through this year, its amazing how I find the energy to go on. When Cyrus left for college about two and half years ago it tore a hold in my heart. Over time its begun to heal, but never will it fully heal. I will always miss my brother. I miss so many things about him. Our stupid petty fights, wrestling matches (which I always lose) and yes, even all his crap in the bathroom. You never truly appreciate someone until its too late to say, I love you, and I will always love you. You never know how good you have it until everything you thought you had slowly slips through your fingers. Some people have a difficult time with change, personally Im not one of those people.
When my brother left for college all my friends were like, Youre so lucky, now you practically an only child. The thing was, I didnt want to be an only child. I missed my brother and I would have given anything to have him come back home, and to hear his truck drive up in the middle of a Saturday night. We spent so many nights just watching movies and hanging out. Even though we didnt talk much while he was in high school, just spending time with him was enough for me.
Some days are harder than others, but Im so busy this year the only time I spend at home is for sleeping. Usually Im in my room when I get home from dance, on my computer chatting with friends. I never had what he has with my parents and I never will. They actually talked about stuff and almost never argued with each other. Thats all they do with me. And when I actually do something around the house they either dont notice, or ask me why I havent done more. I get sick of it a lot of the time. Thats why I go in my room and talk to my friends at night instead of watching television with them at night, like Cyrus did.
My brother and I are very similar in some ways, but complete opposites in others. Im extremely outgoing and social at school. As far as I know he never caused problems in his classes with his socializing. I do, in about every class, practically every day. My parents tend to always play the Cyrus card, as I call it, when I do talk to them. Whenever grades come out and I get comments like, disruptive in class and distracting others, they always say, Cyrus never did these things, why cant you be more like him? Well you know what mom and dad, Im not him and I never will be, so you better learn to deal, all right! I wish I could say things like that to them, but I bite my tongue because I know it would only lead to more fighting. Im sick of the fighting. I wish I had a normal relationship with my parents like most kids do. Everyone argues every so often, but more than once a day with each parent it more than every once in an awhile. Its almost as if the older I get, the worse it gets with them.
Things were never like this when Cyrus lived here. He always stuck up for me, in his own way, and he still does when hes home. I dont know what I miss more, having him around to protect me or to just be here with the knowledge that whenever I needed him he was there for me. I miss both, a lot. I just hope he knows that no matter which direction our lives go I will always, worry, care, think and love him with all of my heart. I love you dearly and I always will. I will always miss you, even after high school, even after college, even after Im married and have kids of my own. Even though you will always be my brother, youre also my best friend in the world. You always have been and you always will be.

June 16, 2002

It's amazing how fast time flies. My brother, Cyrus, graduated from college last night. It feels like just yesterday he was going off to college for the first time. Now he's 22 and all grown up, ready to face the real world. I have mixed emotions about him graduating. Things arent really all that different. He hasn't been living at home for 4 years, so having him move somewhere else in Oregon wont be that big of a deal. Lets just hope he stays in state.

His girlfriend, Karen, has been a huge part of his life over the last year. I think she's a great and a totally sweet person, but her presence has changed my relationship with my brother. He comes home a lot less and if he does come its either for a day or Karen comes with him. It would be nice to have a little bit more alone time with my brother, but that won't be happening anytime soon. I'm slowly starting to accept the change and I'm sure I will be used to it eventually.

While his life changes, so does mine. I'm down to my last 2 years of high school before I'm off to college as well. I don't think my leaving for college will be nearly as emotional as his. My parents are all ready telling me that they can't wait for me to leave. I guess I should have expected that since I don't get along with them at all, but it does hurt to know that they want me to leave as soon as possible. I knew they probably wouldn't have missed me, and it doesnt really bother me that they won't. It will just make the whole process much easier. I just hope they realize that when I say I'm never coming back, I'm not kidding.

I still wonder sometimes how much he actually misses having me around. I'm sure it's become less and less over the years, because I miss him less and less every time he leaves. We're not as close as we used to be, and thats partly because of his new life and girlfriend. I'm not blaming Karen for anything; its not her fault. I just think that Cyrus doesn't realize how important our relationship was to me. Whatever relationship I had with him has slowly started to fade over the years and its hardly even visible to me anymore. I still love him and care about him, but I dont know shit about his life and he doesnt know much about mine either. I guess this is what happens when youre apart from people for long periods of time; you start to drift away from each other. I just hope it doesnt get worse as time goes on.

August 6, 2003

Over the last year a lot has happened. My brother and Karen both moved to Hawaii. He got a job teaching there, but after a year they moved back and he's currently living in Gresham. Saying goodbye to him in the airport last July is one of the hardest things I've done. In fact, it's the only time I have ever seen him cry. He hugged both my parents goodbye and I was just standing there, trying to hold it together as much as possible. Then he looked at me and we both just lost it, I believe our hug lasted for around 5 minutes or something. I adjusted to him being away and I did get to go to Hawaii twice this year to visit him, which was hella tight.

I am now a senior in high school and it's time for me to figure out my life. The pressures of the real world are starting to press down upon me and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to handle it. Having my brother here will defiently make senior year so much better. I was really starting to worry that he was going to miss my senior dance show and high school graduation. He missed a lot of major things during his one year in Hawaii, and it affected me a lot. It was the first time in my whole life he wasn't here to give me a hug on my birthday and he also wasn't here when I bought my first car or got my license. I think the hardest thing for both of is was the fact that he couldn't be here during my surgery. I did spend 2 weeks with him in Hawaii right before hand, so I guess that makes up for it.

Karen and Cyrus are engadged and plan to be married the summer of 2005. I love Karen and I guess I have bonded with her. I don't really have a choice, she will be my sister-in-law soon enough. The last year went by really fast and I know senior year won't be any different. My relationship with Cyrus hasn't really improved. It's apparent that I'm not the most important person in his life anymore and I've learned to except that. We still get along and I can talk to him about things. People change over time, but family is for life and love is forever.

August 29, 2004

Cyrus and Karen got married on July 24, 2004. I moved in with them on July 1, 2004 for the summer until I started school. Living with my brother again has been interesting. We don't really fight all that much and we have seperate lives, but occassionally I get flashbacks to when i was 10. I basically reached the point where I couldn't live with my parents anymore and they had invited me to live with them in May and I declined a few times. A couple days after graduation I thought about it more and decided it was something I wanted to do.

Living with them has been kinda cool. It was very nice getting away from shitty ass Newport and I've been adjusting to city life. I move into the dorms at Portland State University on Sept. 18th and I start classes on Sept. 27th. I love being on my own and it's been one of the most positive experiences of my life. With their marriage I was afraid I would be losing a brother, but instead I gained the sister I've always wanted.