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My biggest obsticle is facing me now,
it's not one of those times I can quit.
This shit determines my life,
walking is a big part of life.
I will walk again,
nothing can stand in my way.
If I can make it this far,
I know I'll go all the way.
The hospital is behind me,
walking on 4 legs,
I'm pushing through.
Overcoming this would be my greatest accomplishment,
a timeless vistory.
Newport is boring,
interesting,
plain,
beautiful,
conventional,
abstract.
I've watched it grow,
along with myself.
I change,
it does too.
We're sheltered from the world,
trapped in our own naive prospective.
Newport is boring,
it is my life.
Some days I with I could figure out life,
So here I sit and write.
Life has taken ahold and won't let go,
I guess it's a small toll to pay for the life
I get to live today.
My body is screaming for me to stop and rest,
So I guess this is the ultimate test.
Body vs. mind in the never ending battle
Who will win? Only time can tell.
I'm sick of all the lies and bull shit,
Will it ever end?
My body is tired, my mind is tired,
But I keep pressing on without a doubt.
I can't stand all the pressure and back stabbing,
But that's all I see when I strip away the
padding.
I packed my bags,
walked out the door and never looked back.
No regrets,
I'm ready to start over.
I left a note,
explaining everything.
I signed it,
I love you forever and always.
I meant it,
in a twisted way.
I hope they understand,
can accept the truth.
It was time to move on,
I saw my chance to escape.
One door closed as another opened,
I don't plan to look back.
I can see the disappointment in their eyes,
I will never be good enough for them.
Even though they will never say the words,
I know what they're thinking.
I'm a disgrace,
worthless piece of shit,
spoiled brat,
selfish bitch.
If only I could be what they want,
someone that makes them proud.
I bring them shame,
I'm an embrassment.
No matter how hard I try,
they will never accept me.
I will always be the one who causes trouble,
makes them look bad,
makes them look at me with disgust because
I've said to much once again.
I will never be missed,
embraced for that one last hug.
I will be the forgotten one,
the one they're ashamed to claim as their
own.
He made me feel like shit,
more then anyone ever has before,
does this mean I stopped caring,
loving him,
missing him,
thinking about him?
You'd think so,
but no.
The anger has faded,
reality has set in.
I lost my best friend,
the one person who knows me best.
He saw through all the acts I put on,
he looked into my eyes and touched my soul.
I pushed him far away,
he stayed beside me through it all.
I let him walk away and never look back,
maybe it's for the better,
or for the worse.
I will always miss him,
think about him,
care for him,
love him,
hate him.
Some people are so blind,
they fail to see what's
imporant in life.
Everyone is caught up in the detials,
I say fuck it all,
enjoy life.
They also don't realize
that everything they do effects at least one other person in the world.
If more people started thinking about the other
7 billion people on the planet,
instead of themselves,
they'd stop focusing on the minor detials.
We all have a lot
to learn,
but you'll never grow unless you try.
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I have to be a girl,
a teenager,
a high
school student,
and 16 all at the same time.
And you think that you have problems!
I have so much going on,
I
can't tell if I'm coming or going.
Is high school like this for everyone?
Why'd I have to be an overachiever?!?!
Finals
are coming,
grades are slipping,
shit... my parents are going to flip.
PMS sucks,
the stress is too much.
My
face is breaking out,
food is a comfort,
I'll never have an "ideal" body.
Why can't I think I'm pretty?
I just
have to face the truth,
the real world sucks.
He handed me a drink,
and without a doubt I
chugged it all down.
Next thing I know, I'm laying on my back trying to make out a face,
but my mind goes blank.
everything
becomes fuzzy,
I start feeling dizzy.
I tried to yell for help,
but the music was too loud.
At last someone
walks in,
but he quickly turns and left without a second glance.
My body starts to panic and with my last ounce of strength I
yell, "help!"
Then everything went black.
I woke up in the bushes
with my shirt around my neck.
I thought, 'this
must have been a dream, this couldn't of happened to me!'
I was wrong,
so very very wrong.
The world isn't such a
great place,
and I feel like such a disgrace.
He asked me if I wanted to try something cool,
I was up for
as many new experiences as I could get,
so I took his hand and went.
He put something in a metal spoon,
took out
a lighter,
and started burning.
The substance turned to a liquid
and started to bubble.
He poured it onto some
foil
and started burning it again.
He handed me a glass tube
and told me to suck in when he said.
The words came
so soon,
I couldn't believe what I was doing.
I sucked in as fast as I could and held it,
as he directed.
Exhale.
My
body went limp as I fell back onto the bed.
I felt so good, free and relaxed,
I never wanted it to end.
I soon learned that this substance was called crack,
we became friends
quickly.
I feel so lost,
so frightened.
This isn't the first time,
is it the last time?
I should face my fears,
what are they again?
I think I know so much,
I know nothing.
All my "life experience" is worthless,
just like me.
Thinking is to much to ask,
breathing is a foreign task.
The memories are starting to fade,
nobody cares at all.
No one understands me,
I feel so alone.
Everyone is leaving
and I can't stop crying.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
What have I done to deserve this?
I try to fight them back,
but there tears they keep coming.
I was so blind,
how did I not see this before?
Everything is just fine,
I raise my head high and face the world with a smile.
These tear stained cheeks tell the true stories,
I am fine.
I've realized a lot about my life,
nothing ever happens the way you expect it
too.
Junior year was suspossed to be fun,
so far it's been shitty.
All my friends have drifted away,
I let them.
I just stopped caring,
does that make me a bad person?
I don't see the point in trying anymore,
I'd rather just let them go.
We're leaving soon anyway,
what's the point?
I wish I could start over,
so many things would be different.
I wish I made better choices,
I wish I hadn't pushed myself so hard.
I've become something I'm not,
something I never wanted to be.
I just wish I could start over.
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Money,
nice house,
new cars,
fancy clothes,
two parents,
eternal bliss.
Ragged clothes,
poor,
searching for food,
no sleep,
fear,
bad neighborhood,
the other side.
Screaming,
drinking,
drugs,
unrealistic expectations,
pretending,
forced smiles,
hidden bruises,
eternal bliss.
Love,
communication,
support,
bonding,
beating,
struggle,
the other side.
Look closely,
nothing is what it seems.
Who is the "real" me
Will I ever know?
I can't seem to let her out,
But maybe it's beteer this way.
All the anger and frustration locked up inside,
I feel like a dog in a metal cage.
Will she ever come out and let her true colors be known?
She's scared, shaking and vulenerable,
Not wanting to be judged she curls up and tries to make
herself appear comfortable.
Does anyone notice when she cries inside,
Do they even care when she smiles and pretends?
The world is a cruel and unforgiving place,
And it's these reasons alone why she will never be known.
He made me love him,
want to be with him,
and most of
all hate him.
He used me,
I let him.
He played games,
so did I.
We faught,
we laughed,
we cried.
Where
does the madness end?
I miss him,
I care for him,
I want to talk to him.
I love him,
I hate him.
Will the
cycle ever end?
I give so much,
I get nothing in return.
I push myself more each day,
way past my breaking point.
Life is just to hard,
I don't think I'm going to make it.
The stress is to much,
I'd cry if I had any emotions left.
Why do I feel I need to be perfect?
I'll never live up to their standards,
or my own.
I work towards nothing,
yet I achieve everything.
This is my first real challenge,
I better not fail.
Failure isn't exceptable,
I must succeed.
I can't fail,
I just can't.
When push comes to shove,
I always push back.
I'm not gonna lie,
it's fucked me over pretty good.
My parents,
well they might as well be non-existent.
I used to be close with my brother,
but he has a new life that I don't feel much apart of.
My friends think they know so much,
I can't wait till life bites them in the ass.
The world keeps turning
as I stand still.
I guess life goes on,
but how can I be so sure?
So much stress,
so much pressure,
is there a point to it all?
When can I leave it all?
Not soon enough.
My body has given up,
I'm just going through the motions.
High school is pointless,
these are suspossed to be the best years of my life.
Apparently the years of stress,
frustration,
and anger,
are the best years of my life.
I'm sick of my friends,
my teachers,
my parents,
my life.
When can I leave?
Not soon enough.
I act like shit don't faze me,
inside it drives me crazy.
They're
looking at me,
why are they looking?
Is it my hair,
my clothes,
will it always be something?
The salty taste
of tears lingers on my lips,
I snap back into reality.
Wipe off the tears,
smile big,
laugh,
pretend,
be
what they want.
This is what I've become,
all I have to show.
If this is what they want,
this is who I will become,
all
I am.
Men come and go,
friends are suspossed to be forever.
What happens when both are gone,
when both are at risk?
All that's left is me,
alone,
depressed,
up late thinking.
I'm trying to figure out where the time has gone,
old memories play constantly in my head.
Did I change,
or was it them?
I swear I'm bipolar,
maybe that's why everyone leaves.
I'm unstable,
unpredicable,
the wild card.
I gave them my soul,
but it wasn't good enough.
So here I am,
alone,
depressed,
thinking.
It seems like all I do is cry,
but no one's left to wipe the tears.
I would give anything to smile,
laugh,
be happy.
All I want is my life back.
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